Monday, April 17, 2006

Driving In Life's Left Lane On Stress Awareness Day

I can't begin to tell you how stressed I am about forgetting to write about Stress Awareness Day. Look, let's face it, I know you're stressed because that was you driving slow in the left lane. That's what stressed people do; share their stress. Well, I don't want your stress, so you need a way to recognize your stress. If you recognize your stress, perhaps, you'll relieve your stress and not in the left lane. Here's your stress recognition checklist:

  • General irritability--you may recognize this by your overwhelming desire to sell your children back to those nagging Nigerian telemarketers. Another tell tale sign is leafing through multiple thesauri to find new names for your a) boss b) neighbor c) spouse d) anyone associated with the O'Reilly Report e) all of the above.
  • Elevated heart rate--not the kind of elevated heart rate you get while watching the sixth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but the kind of heart rate that feels like you ran full blast for three minutes and puked up last week's Cabo Wabo binge.
  • Increased blood pressure--you know this feeling. Your head feels as though it's inflating, your heart beats like a bunny near your neck's base and your left eyeball incessantly pops out.
  • Increased accident proneness--you begin to wonder if your hands are covered with a space age lubricant, you back the car over the neighbor's mentally challenged cat, and nasty words accidentally slip from your mouth.
  • Trembling--you look at your shaky hands and realize, "Hey, it's Miller time!"
  • Insomnia--you can't sleep because your mind replays Spike & Buffy's consummation, your left eyeball popped out, you feel good about the neighbor's accident prone feline, and a voice keeps saying, "Hey, it's Miller time!"
  • Headaches--do I have to re-write all of the above...again?
  • Pain in neck and/or lower back--you probably forgot the sleep number of your Swedish sleep system. If you didn't, your pain in the neck can most likely be attributed to a) boss b) neighbor c) spouse d) anyone associated with the O'Reilly Report e) all of the above.
  • Anxious feeling for no specific reason--who needs a reason to feel anxious? 15 minutes of Wolf Blitzer can make you feel anxious and suicidal.
Print off the list and carry it with you whenever you feel the urge to drive in the left lane. Recognize your stress and do that chant thingy that Tina Turner does or seek professional help from a doctor named Moe.


Template by - background image by elmer.0