Bubonic Plague Not Funny

Here comes another American public freak out.

Officials in California have issued a warning that folks visiting rural areas should take precautions against contracting bubonic plague. You should avoid squirrels, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and other wild rodents. Cats infected with fleas can be a hazard, especially those that like to eat rodents.

What should Coshoctonians do to avoid furry, rodent like end-of-all-time-annihilator (E.A.T.A.) critters?

• Duct tape your entire house; especially any housing orifice that might enable an E.A.T.A. critter to enter your sacred habitat. If for some reason, you find an E.A.T.A. critter in your sacred habitat, very quietly pack up your stuff and move to the next county. Repeat if necessary.
• If, while walking around Lake Park, you encounter an E.A.T.A. critter and notice said critter has an uncontrollable urge to scratch itself, assume the E.A.T.A. critter is infested with bubonic plague carrying fleas. Immediately, scream, run fast, very quietly pack up your stuff and move to the next state.
• If you see or trip over a deceased E.A.T.A. critter, whatever you do, fight the urge to include the animal in your next barbeque. Plague infested appetizers won't go over too well at the company picnic.
• Don't mess around with rodent burrows by poking a stick down in them. A pissed off, plague carrying rodent would not be in your health's best interest.
  
• If you contract bubonic plague, don't play like you're a Night Of The Living Dead zombie, and walk through town moaning uncontrollably. Go to the hospital. Bubonic plague can be treated and you'll live a semi-normal life although you'll have to wear a sign that says "I Survived The Bubonic Plague 2006".

Okay, if you're starting to sweat or you have a lump of worry in your throat, just know that I'm funnin' you. Well, except the part about the California authorities.