Thursday, March 30, 2006

I Am In Control Day

How do you determine if you're in control? I'm talking about real control, not some mamby pamby illusion of control. Here's a test to determine if you're in control:

  • Do you enjoy only your opinion, consider only your opinion, and pledge to crush all opinions, past and future, that do not coincide with your own? Do your ex-friends refer to you as "Opinion Freak"?
  • Do you know what's best for your family, friends, pets, neighbors, and both the Republican and Democratic parties?
  • Do you offer your vast wisdom and encyclopedic knowledge about Tom Cruise to all those sitting within earshot at the Sport Zone?
  • Are you certain that something will go wrong unless you telepathically manipulate CNN's Lou Dobbs and Fox's Bill O'Reilly?
  • Do you feel threatened by opposing attitudes, religions, the Univeristy of Michigan, the Knights Who Say "Nee", or anyone whose name begins with Buffy The Vampire Slayer?
  • Do you have an obsession with dominating yourself and find yourself arguing with your inner being about the TV remote?
  • Does your spouse, children, mailman, and the counter girl at Burger King cringe at the sight of you?
  • Have you been married multiple times because your ex-spouse's don't understand the concept of your omnipotence?
  • Do you have a Pat Robertson commemorative oil painting hanging in your home?
If you answered yes to the above questions, you are indeed in control. You are the King and Queen of Control and the world would be a better place with you in command.

By the way, your shoe's untied.


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