5. Captain K won't eat dead animals which confirms that he's in favor of upending the American way of life. Hey, pilgrims didn't eat Thanksgiving tofu; they ate the native populace.
4. 1st Energy has vowed, once and for all, to settle the MUNY score.
3. He wants to establish a Department of Peace proving he's out of step with mainstream America. Americans swear by the phrase, "If it moves, kill it."
2. His campaign peace chest holds $105.37 cash, a warped Bob Dylan album, one aluminum foil hat, one original Birkenstock sandal, a 14th century wood carving of Shirley Maclaine, and one unused Woodstock ticket stub.
1. You should never, ever, nominate who refers to the Oval Office as "my precious".
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