Panic Day In Coshocton

There's too much fear in the western world.

Most fear, manufactured by our media and government, keeps us buying duct tape, Tamiflu (Rumsfeld's a big stock holder), and lots of anxiety reducing products (Xanax, booze, and pink fluffy bunnies). Because our country seems to be in a collective panic, we're willingly handing over our constitutional rights for the illusion of safety. Remember, Plato said in The Republic, "No human thing is of serious importance."

Where do you find panic balance? When should you worry and slip into the throes of panic? I've taken the liberty to develop a list of panic moments. Keep this handy and you'll know when to pop the anxiety meds.

• You need to panic when the Wally World greeter greets you with, "I'm not afraid of anything...except a lighted match."
• You need to panic when two guys named Jules and Vincent open their trunk in front of your house and say, "We should have brought shotguns."
• You need to panic when your doctors looks, points, and says, "Ummm...that's going to fall off."
• You need to panic when your teenager says, "I'm leaving home to live with the Children of the Corn. We'll drop by for a visit...soon."
• You need to panic when your Ohio River pleasure cruise boat lists and a blanched face captain turns and says, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."