Now: It's International Know Your Mother Language Day

In an effort to help you recognize mother language, I've compiled this list:

• Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident (don't you think messy underwear would be a better emergency room conversation starter?).
• Are you going out dressed like that? (actually, these duds are coming off as soon as I hit the back seat).
• Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay (look, the state police will call if I'm not).
• Cupcakes are NOT a breakfast food (a Coke and a Winston are?).
• Did you flush? (nope, I've not finished bathing).
• Do you live to annoy me? (no, but it is in my job description).
• Don't run in the house (you'd rather I pee on the floor?).
• Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes (not as much as this laser pen).
• Don't talk with your mouth full (then don't ask me questions while I'm eating).
• Go ask your father (but he'll just stare at me with his mouth hanging open and say "mmm...donuts).
• How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is full of clothes! (yeah, but they're your clothes and I'm not into frumpy yet).
• I can always tell when you're lying (you can? because I sure can't).
• I brought you into this world and I can take you right back out (your kung fu is not as good as my kung fu).
• How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it? (ummm...because it smells like dead dog).
• If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears, eyebrow, tongue...he would have put them there! (and if he wanted me to have a job, then there'd be a string of employment agencies called "God's Jobs And Such").
• I'm not running a taxi service (then why is the car yellow with a meter up front?).
• I'm not your waitress (if you were, I would have been eating fifteen minutes ago).
• Look at me when I'm talking to you! (I would, but you have a booger dangling from your nose).
• Shut the door! Were you born in a barn? (no, but I was conceived there).
• Shout your mouth when you eat! (I would, but the food keeps bouncing off my lips).
• What do you think...money grows on trees? (no, it grows in photo copiers right next to that picture of your bootylicious).